Erase The Feeling
by keikopanda102
Summary: L has died. Light has won. A drunk Matsuda spills a shocking secret to Light. Ryuk decides to give Light something that will change everything. What does Ryuk give Light, and what will Light choose to do with it? Yaoi. LightxL
1. Prologue

**Hello! Welcome to my new fic! I was inspired by the Death Note short story at the end of the 13th "How To Read" volume of Death Note. What if that Death Note continuity overlapped with this one? How would the story change? Also, I ship L and Light really hard so of course there's that as well. **

**Disclaimer: Death Note belongs to Ohba and Obata. I can only do my best to imitate, but I'll never be as good as the original. **

**Erase The Feeling**

"There are many types of monsters that scare me: Monsters who cause trouble without showing themselves, monsters who abduct children, monsters who devour dreams, monsters who suck blood... and then, monsters who tell nothing but lies. Lying monsters are a real nuisance: They are much more cunning than others. They pose as humans even though they have no understanding of the human heart; they eat even though they've never experienced hunger; they study even though they have no interest in academics; they seek friendship even though they do not know how to love. If I were to encounter such monsters, I would likely _be eaten by them_... because in truth, I am that monster."- L

**Prologue:**

Ten minutes.

It has been ten minutes since I brought about the death of my one real opposition.

It has been ten minutes since L died.

As I sit around a square, glass table with the rest of the Kira Investigation Team, minus my father, who went with L's _dead body _to the hospital, in the same room that L's _dead_ _body_ was just carried out of, I find it increasingly hard to keep a straight face. Sometimes I look down into my lap as though about to cry, and really I smile. It has never been so hard for me to resist bragging about my victory.

Sitting beside and across from me are these four people who have no idea they are in the same room with L's murderer. I consider myself the murderer, not Rem. It was my plan, after all, my genius manipulation. To have even come so far as to kill a God of Death!

They have no idea the power I have. They have no idea who I am.

_I AM KIRA!_

I want to scream it!

They really are so stupid, aren't they?

Matsuda, beside me, trying to hide his tears by covering his face. Aizawa, across from me, still trying to deny the truth. They still have some hope that Ryuzaki is alive, that maybe the nurses and doctors in the hospital could save him. But they're wrong. I know he's dead. I knew from the moment he started to fall from that chair.

I won.

Fifteen minutes now.

Twenty.

He looked peaceful in death. It's a shame. I had wanted him to scream. But it doesn't matter. All that matters now is that I find Rem's Death Note before the others.

Soon. Soon I will have the chance to go search for it. Then my victory will be completely secure, and my new world will finally be realized!

* * *

><p>And now, at last, I know his name.<p>

L Lawliet.

I must admit, I am frustrated to find that the one name I was sure was an alias was in fact his proper name. But I suppose he did that purposefully. To throw people off, or perhaps he just liked the name.

One day.

It has been one day since I murdered L. Since all the obstacles in my way were vanquished.

The Kira Investigation Team are still unsure of many things, but soon I will lead them as the _new _L, the perfect disguise for Kira. No one will ever suspect me. Not that there is anyone left to suspect me.

I won.

Suddenly there is a knock on my door. I cautiously place Rem's—now my—Death Note between the mattress and the bedspring, then go to open the door. It's Matsuda, and he seems tipsy. His words are slurred and he looks as though he's been crying. In fact, as soon as he sees my face he bursts into tears again, throwing his arms around my shoulders and sobbing into my shirt.

"What's wrong, Matsuda?"

I would have heard if anyone else died. I would know if something happened, and yet this fools extreme reaction has set off a worried alarm in my head.

He sniffs violently and looks up at my face, his eyes bubbling over with tears. Of all the idiots on the Kira Investigation Team, Matsuda annoys me the most, but he's also the easiest to trust and manipulate because he's so damn stupid.

Before he can answer he bursts into tears again. I let him sit down on the bed and hand him a tissue. He blows his nose then looks into the distance with droopy eyes.

"What happened?" I ask with a patience that I don't feel inside.

He shakes his head.

"N—nu—nothin happened Light. Oou Dun't haff to orry."

"Are you just a sad drunk, is that all?" I ask light-heartedly. I relax. Nothing happened. Everything is okay.

I still have to get used to not being constantly on edge. Though I don't want to let my guard down either.

He shakes his head again then turns to me and grips my shirt with one hand, looking down as more tears start to fall onto the sheets of the bed. Crying is such a disgusting thing.

"It was only right!" He practically yells. Somehow screaming seemed to make his speech less slurred, but more than doubled how annoying it was. He pounds my chest with the fist holding onto my shirt.

"It was only right that you caught Ryuzaki, Light! He must have been happy that you were the last thing he saw! It was only right!"

Matsuda—ever the innocent, thoughtful fool. I feel like laughing at the irony of what he is saying. L? Happy that I was the last thing he saw? Priceless!

I made sure L knew _exactly_ who I was in the moment of his death. I made sure he knew without a doubt that I was Kira. I made sure he knew that it was Kira, I, who brought about his death. I know he realized all those things in his last seconds. I could see recognition reflected in his eyes. What I felt in that moment was the greatest triumph in the history of mankind, and the only other person to share in it with me is dead.

Of course it was _right_ that I catch L. I made it so.

Matsuda is still sobbing into my chest. He just keeps repeating it over and over. Alcohol does nothing to Matsuda but make him even more emotional that usual.

"It was only right!" He says, "Only right! You were the one who had to catch him, Light. I can't believe he's dead, but it was only RIGHT!"

Yes, fine, I understand. Just stop crying and sober up already. The irony of it isn't funny if you keep on about it. I know all this. You don't have to tell me—

"He was in love with you! It was only right!"

What?

* * *

><p><strong>Welcome to <strong>**Erase The Feeling****! It's been a while since I wrote a Death Note fanfic, so bear with me until I get back into the tone of the writing.**

**I hope anyone who reads this prologue will continue reading as more chapters are added! Please review and tell me what you think so far!**

**XD**


	2. Chapter 1

**Erase The Feeling**

**Chapter 1:**

Damn that Matsuda! How dare he blurt something out like that only to faint as soon as he does!

L was in love with me, he says. Love. This is delightful! This would have changed everything! This wou—

No. Calm down, Light. What's wrong with you? Getting so worked up over the drunken ramblings of _Matsuda _of all people. I'm sure he has no proof. He probably just made up a nice little fairytale in his head wherein L was in _love_ with me, making it so _heroic_ for me to catch him in his dying moment. Ha!

…And yet, why is my heart beating like this?

L: in love with me. Merely the idea of it is causing a physical reaction in my body that I cannot explain. I feel… warm, like my body is buzzing with energy. Why am I feeling all of this?

If—if it were, in fact, true, it's not as if it would matter now. L is dead. I killed him.

_But what if! _ If it was true and I had known before, then killing L might not have been necessary at all! I could have used his feelings for me to make him join in with my vision. He could have been my greatest attendant, my second-in-command. He was, after all, the only person in the world on my level, capable of keeping up with me. Together we could have—!

…No.

Something is off with me tonight. Why did Matsuda have to come bursting into my room this evening, making me think about this uselessness?

L could not have been in love with me. I _know_ when girls are in love with me. It's painfully obvious. They flit around, yapping their mouths and giggl—

But L was not a girl.

No! L was not a girl, but he was most definitely not in love with me! I still would have known. Dammit, I can't calm down. If only Matsuda would wake up and tell me that he was just making it all up, then maybe my mind would settle down and simply be happy that L is dead instead of thinking about pointless _what ifs_ and _maybes_.

But _if_ he was in love with me… that would have been so interesting. I've never known a man to fall in love with me before, though it wouldn't altogether surprise me. But of all the people to fall in love with me, L seemed like he would be the last. L despised me. He had to. After all, I was Kira—he knew it all along—and he hated Kira, not loved him. Being that I am Kira, and he hated Kira, him loving me at the same time as hating me would be a paradox impossible in this lifetime. No. L could not possibly have been in love with me.

_But suppose he was!_

Damn it all, Matsuda! See what you've done! I still cannot settle down. And there you are, snoring on the floor like an old man. You have no idea the thoughts you've put in my head.

Together? Why did I think about L and I ruling my new world _together_? If a man is in love with me, my first reaction is obviously… disgust? I have never been particularly disgusted by homosexuality, but I've also never had to think about it like this before. This is strange. Why am I thinking about this? I don't have the time for this, or the patience. Either L was in love with me or he wasn't. Either way, I will go on with my life. Why can't I stop thinking about it? I've never had this problem before. There is _no point_ in daydreaming about what could have been.

And love. What an idiotic notion. No. L could not have been in love with me. I may have despised him for getting in the way of my new world, but I at least know that he was not weak-willed enough to let something like _love_ cloud his judgment. But—

Dammit! I have to know!

I walk swiftly to the table beside my bed and grab the water bottle sitting atop it. As I return to Matsuda—still sleeping on the floor—I unscrew the lid to the bottle. Matsuda won't mind being woken up a little bit earlier than he'd expected…

**Splash!**

"Wu—w—woah! Light? Wazzgoin'on?"

Am I behaving too excitedly for this situation? Maybe I shouldn't have woken him up after all. Surely he would be able to tell me tomorrow if I pestered him about it enough… but I want to know now!

No, this is fine. He will just assume I'm interested in this because it involves me—and I'm sure he has some exaggerated idea of how much I care—_cared—_about L. Besides, it's Matsuda, not some super-sleuth. I don't think Matsuda has a doubting, untrusting bone in his body, particularly when it comes to me.

"You passed out, Matsuda. I was worried. Right before that you said something rather odd and I thought maybe something was wrong; otherwise I would have let you sleep."

He shakes his head and water goes flying. I can feel my impatience growing as I trot off to the bathroom to bring him a towel to dry off. Perhaps dousing him in water was not the best choice for waking him up but it certainly worked; he seems to have sobered up a bit as well.

"What did I _say_?" he asks, sounding completely Matsuda-level worried. I wonder if he's thinking about the L secret or if he has more secrets that would not benefit him if revealed. Something seems to dawn on him suddenly and pure terror crosses his face.

"I didn't tell you about L, did I!"

Idiot! Even if you hadn't before you did just now. Not that this was ever a question, but I am making a mental note never to tell Matsuda anything important, _ever. _

"Ah, if you mean about L being in love with me, then yes. That's exactly what you said." I have to ease it out of him slowly or he may try and deny that he said it or come up with a cover story. It won't be difficult getting the truth out of him, but it's still a pain. Anyway, there is still a good chance he may just be confused about L's feelings for me. I cannot jump to any conclusions before I know all the facts.

He lets out a low groan and falls back on the floor covering his face as I add genially,

"Now you see why I was worried, Matsuda. It's not like you to blurt something out that could be that important."

Woah. Tone it down, Light. Even someone like Matsuda is bound to notice if you try to feed him a line that's so obviously untrue—

"You really think so, Light?" he replies, brightening up instantly and removing his hands from his face.

"Yeah, of course. Besides, even if you did blurt something like that out, it's mostly the alcohols fault, isn't it? If I remember correctly, you've always been a bit of a light-weight."

He blushes and sits up, pouting and staring at his feet ashamedly in the next moment.

"Aaaaugh! But I _did_ blurt out something important! And to _you_ of all people! L would have never wanted you to know. Or maybe he would? But if he did he probably would have told you himself. Or maybe he was just waiting for the right time, like after the Kira case was over. Or maybe he was scared of being rejected—!"

"Woah, woah! Slow down, Matsuda. Can you please explain what it is you're going on about?"

Matsuda looks at me and I get the impression his drunken state hasn't completely worn off yet.

"Aaaaaaarrgh," he groans again, gripping his head tightly between his hands and mussing up his hair. I think alcohol possibly makes him even less articulate than usual, if it's even possible. "I don't know if I should tell you, Light! I mean, I already kind of told you, so it's too late to be thinking about that, but I just dunno if telling you would be in good taste, you know, for L's memory? He wouldn't want you to think any differently of him. No, nope! I'm not gonna tell you. I'm just gonna go home! See you tomorrow, Light."

He stands and heads towards the door, stumbling towards it just like he stumbled inside of it only about an hour before. Damn it! Curse his sense of morals trying to trick him into hiding the truth from me. This won't do; think fast, Light!

"Wait!" He pauses. I've practically got him already. "Matsuda, since I already know, what's the point of keeping me in the dark about the rest?" How can I spin this to convince him? I think I'll try curiosity, something that I know appeals to him. "I mean, how would you feel if you were in my position and someone left you hanging without giving all the information?" And maybe I'll throw in just a hint of romance… "…besides, I would want to know if someone was in love with me, no matter who it was. Wouldn't you, Matsuda?"

I've got him. His pouty lips and watering eyes are all I need to see to know. But maybe one more push wouldn't hurt…

"L and I were very close, even if we did have our disagreements… I think I should know everything I can about him, in _honor_ of his memory. I don't think he would mind if you told me the whole story behind what you're saying. Why do you believe that L was in love with me?"

His shoulders slump and he takes a deep breathe in. As he walks back from the door and over to the bed he mumbles despondently,

"Okay, Light. You're right. Of course you are. I can't keep a secret this big from you. Not now, since L's died. It was hard enough before. I'm not really that surprised I blurted it out. You should know! I'll tell you the whole story Light, the whole thing!"

Before? How long has he thought this? Or known it? He seems to really believe it. What is his proof? Hopefully I am about to find out.

But what do I want to hear? What will I believe from this story? It will either give evidence supporting Matsuda's claim or it won't and I will be left with enough doubt to completely write it off as fiction. But if it does give solid proof, what will that mean for me?

Obviously I will continue on living as I did before. This information, if true, changes nothing. Because of that I shouldn't care as much as I do. My heart is pounding against my chest as Matsuda tries to think of where to start.

"O—okay," he stammers eventually. "This happened back when you and L were handcuffed together. It was late one night and I couldn't sleep, so I was wandering around the building. I came across a room that I'd never been inside before. I think it was Watari's surveillance room. A—at least that's the room where we found his b—body…"

He shivers just thinking about it. So far what he's said seems probable, but I can't see where it's going quite yet…

"But he wasn't in there this time! And I thought it was strange that no one was inside because the door was open, and I could hear something from inside, so I went in to take a look even though I know I probably shouldn't have snooped.

"The sound was coming from one of the monitors, and on the screen was the room you and L had to share because you were handcuffed 24/7. You were obviously asleep, but L wasn't. In fact, I don't think he ever slept. Did you ever see him sleep, Light?"

"No," I reply, surprised at how soft my voice sounds. My throat is dry and I don't know the reason. My heart is still racing. What does it matter if I've ever seen L sleep or not, Matsuda? You're trying to change the subject!

And he is; I can see it right on his face. He won't look me right in the eye and he's blushing just faintly.

"What happened next?" I ask, gentler than expected.

He swallows and glances first in my direction, then quickly away, as he replies,

"Th—this is the part that gets a little bit embarrassing. Do you remember how Ryuzaki's expression didn't really change a lot?" I nod and he continues, "His expression on the screen was the same as it always was, but the way he was acting wasn't like him. Well, I guess it kind of was? He did act strange most of the time. But—but this was even stranger than his usual strangeness! He was—um—struggling, somehow."

Matsuda's face is now bright red. If he keeps stalling because he's embarrassed I'm going to kill him. He's finally getting to the bulk of the story, and so far his evidence seems pretty strong; now all I have to decide is whether or not to believe him.

"You were asleep, but he was right beside you on the bed, biting his thumb. Like, biting it really hard, and his eyes were closed tight, except every few seconds he would open them just a little and look over at wh—where you were sleeping. And the screen was dark, but I could s—see you both clearly enough. I guess there wouldn't be any point in the cameras if you couldn't see, would there? Maybe they were night-vision cameras or something! Watari probably got them—"

"Matsuda!" I bark, sharper than necessary, but it gets my point across. I know Matsuda is leaving something out. L acting strange and staring at me don't mean anything; they especially don't mean he was in love with me.

Looking like a dejected puppy because I yelled at him, Matsuda cringes and makes a face. He shifts uncomfortably on the bed then suddenly stands up and faces the wall as he mumbles,

"R—Ryuzaki… he was st—struggling, like I said."

"Struggling with what?"

No reply. Then, softly, I hear,

"H—his p—pants seemed very, um, tight…"

Is that all! You idiot Matsuda, getting me worked up over nothing. Less than nothing. There are plenty of other explanations for what you—

"A—and at one point he brushed your hair from your face. I remember very clearly that his hands were shaking, and I could hear how heavy he was breathing through the mics, then all of the sudden the door to your room opened and I saw Watari rush inside. As soon as he did, Ryuzaki stood and said, 'I'm so sorry, Watar-' but he didn't get to finish because Watari cut him off, saying that it was fine. And then Watari took out the key to your handcuffs and uncuffed Ryuzaki. As soon as the handcuffs were off, Ryuzaki ran into the bathroom and—"

Pause.

"And?" I ask, frustrated with this story and frustrated with Matsuda for bringing it up in the first place. It wouldn't matter, it won't matter, it doesn't matter!

"…and there was another screen in Watari's surveillance room that showed the inside of the bathroom that Ryuzaki ran into…"

At this point Matsuda spins around and faces me with eyes full of pity and sadness. He shakes his head as though about to cry and says softly,

"I'm so sorry to tell you this now. Now, after he's already gone and there's nothing you can do… But maybe it's better. I guess I don't know how you feel about—"

"What happened in the bathroom, Matsuda? You did see, didn't you?"

He nods slowly then tries to find a way to convey what he saw L do in the bathroom.

"H—he shut the door behind him and as soon as it was shut he slid down the back of the door and pulled himself into a ball—"

Over Matsuda I suddenly hear an eerily familiar laugh coming from the wall nearest to the side of the bed Matsuda is sitting on. Ryuk's hulking figure slowly appears, fading into the room through the solid wall as I've seen him do many times. I am more startled than I would normally be at his appearance because of how consumed I am with Matsuda's story but I, of course, do not let a flicker of this surprise show on my face. My eyes barely glance in the Shinigami's direction.

I had forgotten that Misa insisted on staying in the hotel with me after I told her about L's death. I had convinced her to get the room beside me so I wouldn't have to put up with her throughout the night, but the two rooms were close enough that Ryuk was able to remain attached to Misa and still listen in to the conversation Matsuda and I were having. And judging from his apparently amused reaction he seems to have heard more than his fair share.

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk… This is a pretty interesting development. Even you have to have some feeling about this, huh, Light?"

"—and—and, I'm really not sure how to say this," Matsuda bumbled, and my attention was brought back to L and the bathroom and all of the sudden I could see it so clearly. I didn't even need any more description from Matsuda, because I was there, in the bathroom, with him, and I could see it all.

L would be curled into a ball, like Matsuda said, and his thumb would find it's place tightly squeezed between his teeth once again, like Matsuda had described before—like I'd seen so many times when he had still been alive. But now—I mean then—he woudn't have been as… _calm,_ as, _in control_ as he always acted when people were watching him.

And as Matsuda described it, I was seeing it. The pale, slender hand that wasn't busy being bitten snaked downward and clumsily undid the zipper on those faded jeans he always wore. (I had always been slightly disgusted by the fact that he wore the same thing every day—at least, until I lived in close quarters with him and discovered that Watari laid a fresh outfit out for him daily).

I feel myself twitch, my heart skip a beat when Matsuda stutteringly gives me the added information that L wore no underwear.

"A—at least, he wasn't w—wearing any this time," he says, blushing right up to the tips of his ears.

My miniscule reaction goes unnoticed by the storyteller; but not by Ryuk, who lets out his aggravating laugh again.

But it doesn't matter, because I'm still in the bathroom with L, who I now see pawing at himself frantically, small moans and mewls muffled by his own hand as he removes his thumb from between his teeth to cover his traitorous sounds. His dark hair is sprawled against the door as though he is about to be sucked into it. He is trembling as pleasure surely racks his body.

Matsuda doesn't describe it the way I see it, and I have no way of knowing if what I can see in my head has any bearing on the reality of the situation, but I can't help the images that form inside me. Hundreds of them—thousands! Different scenarios that fit Matsuda's vague and unwilling explanations barrage my mind until I feel as though I can't breathe, because in that moment I realize—

"T—then he just, kind of… um, wilted? Is that right? He stopped, uh, m—moving and he was breathing really hard and that's when I knew, Light! That's when I knew that he was in love with you!"

That is when I realize, and remember, and seem to choke on the glaring fact that _L is dead._ He is dead and I killed him, and though Matsuda looks at me—still frightfully embarrassed because he had to explain, but with tears in his eyes—with some sort of expectation. He wants me to acknowledge this information. He wants to know that L's love was not in vain. He is waiting, expecting me to say something to soothe his conscience and his troubled mind.

But I have nothing to say. I can only look at him, and finally he seems to realize that I will not reply, that I have nothing to say. His expression of expectance fades and is replaced with more worry, more guilt. He stands, nervously straightening his shirt, and I stand along with him.

"I—I'm sorry, Light," he murmurs, once again unable to look at me directly. "You probably need time to t—think it over, don't you? I just—"

He sighs, and I know he is thinking of L, thinking of that fact that _L is dead_ and that he won't come back.

"—I just thought you should know…"

I nod and pat him on the shoulder, giving him a halfhearted smile. He won't suspect anything. L's… _feelings _for me do nothing to implicate me as Kira. Besides, I don't think he will tell anyone else about what he saw. He could barely manage it this time.

He sniffs and I open the door to the hotel room, the lights in the hallway glaring at me as he walks through. With one last nod he turns away—possibly to return to his own room or to go drink some more—and I shut the door.

A second passes.

Another.

It is late and silent except for Matsuda's uneven footsteps growing softer as he moves farther down the hall.

"Hyuk, hyuk," Ryuk laughs, floating lazily near the wall between this room and Misa's. "So it turns out L was in love with you, huh? Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!"

I stare at the floor, then slowly, a strange, unfamiliar smile creeps onto my lips. I begin to chuckle—lightly at first, then with growing amusement. It is all I can do to keep my voice quiet enough so that my neighbors remain sleeping. Ryuk just stares at me, but I look towards the wall without really seeing it. Still laughing, I reply,

"Love? Haha! L was in love with me? Hahaha! Of course _Matsuda_ would interpret it that way. He's a romantic sap! But love, of all things? What a joke."

I stop laughing almost on command. My face is pale and drawn, my eyes narrow and thoughtful. My heart continues to race.

"Matsuda is a fool. Only a fool would interpret lustful, bestial desire as something so convoluted and childish as love. I'm not surprised you fell for it, Ryuk. You've always been a bit childish."

"Ouch," the Shinigami says sarcastically. I roll my eyes.

"Matsuda just didn't want to think about L being anything but the great detective he'd always known and looked up to. I will accept, for now, that what that idiot said was even true. It's not as if it matters, anyway."

I pause. No, it really doesn't matter.

"No," I whisper, once again looking off into the distance at something that isn't there. "It doesn't matter… L is dead. This would have only been useful had he still been alive. I could have used this weakness he apparently held for me—a sexual weakness, not a romantic one, Ryuk—as a means of destroying him."

I look at Ryuk, steady in my decision, though my heart will not listen to my head. It continues to beat against my chest and into my throat.

"I have no reason to give this any more thought. As I've said, it doesn't matter anymore. Sorry to burst your bubble, Ryuk. You seemed so amused by this—I guess you could call it—new development. Unfortunately, this development ends tonight. There's nowhere for it to go. L is dead, and whatever _attraction_ he held towards me died with him."

"Shinigami can't have sex so I wouldn't know anything about this kind of thing," Ryuk replies monotonously. "And you keep saying it doesn't matter anyway, but that's awfully boring for me, you know, Light?"

I glance at him from the corner of my eyes and frown. He chuckles deep from within his chest. His eyes are glowing and that makes me curious, nervous. Though, why should I be nervous or afraid of a Shinigami. Have I not already proven that I have the ability to kill one? Still, his laughter is daunting and his eyes seem to see right through me. Can he tell how my heart is beating? Does he know the reason when even I do not?

"Say, just a hypothetical question," he begins, his voice taking on it's usual amused tone; it's as though he is hiding something he wants very badly to reveal. "If L actually lovedyou, like that guy said, would it matter then?"

I carefully weigh his question before I answer because I know there is something more to what he is asking, but I cannot place it. He is deliberately leaving something out and I am growing frustrated.

"No," I smirk. "Because L is dead. Anyway, Ryuk, you don't need to worry about being bored. Now that L _is_ dead I can begin work on my new world! And you will be here the to watch the whole thing. I don't plan on getting rid of Misa too soon, not that you would leave even if she were to die. You're planning on sticking around until the end, aren't you?"

I find it eerie that he doesn't reply right away. Is he thinking? I watch cautiously as he floats in place, those glowing eyes not leaving me for a second. My eyes do not leave him either.

"Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk," he laughs, and his eyes cease glowing. I can tell that he seems to have come to a decision. His hand reaches around his back and then slowly in front of him again, now clasped in a fist—a fist that appears to be holding something inside of it. "You seem pretty confident that I won't get bored, but I think I'm going to give it to you anyway, Light. Even if you decide not to use it, just seeing you think about it the possibilities ought to be a good laugh! Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk!"

My heart pounds in earnest now, double the speed it had been racing at before. _Ryuk is offering me something else! And just when I thought my new world was in sight! _

But what is it? I reprimand myself for even thinking that question. It's not like he would tell me if I asked. He wants me to have it before he'll tell me what it is.

"Here," he extends his hand towards me. "Take it."

I slowly hold out my palm, but then I pull back cautiously and ask,

"This isn't like the eye deal, is it? You're giving this—whatever it is—for free?"

"Yeah," he says, and if he weren't always smiling I would think that in this moment he is most definitely smiling. "This is for my own fun. Consider it a gift from me for getting this far. Hyuk, hyuk, hyuk. For defeating L."

I am still very doubtful. Nothing that makes Ryuk this happy could be entirely good for me.

But I am curious—very curious. And I like the way he has gone about offering whatever it is that lies inside his hand. It seems to have something to do with the information Matsuda has given me tonight, but I have no way of knowing what it truly is. I can guess. I can postulate and hypothesize all night, but until I extend my hand and grasp whatever it is that he is offering me, I will not really know.

I take a step towards him and tentatively reach out, my palm facing upwards. He slowly places his large, clawed hand above mine, and opens it, setting a small, square object in the center of my palm. He pulls his hand away from mine slowly, and, as I hear him chuckle with that irksome laugh of his, I see what it is that he has given me.

It is an eraser.

* * *

><p><strong>Yes, I like drama and suspense. Sue me. <strong>

**Yup. Iiiiiiit's an eraser. You are all shocked and, I'm sure, surprised. No one saw this coming! Omg! **

**Anyway, sorry this took so long to write, but I was busy. Next one will hopefully go faster cuz I can really get the ball rolling now that the main element of the story has been revealed. **

**Please continue to read and review! Thank you! **


	3. Chapter 2

**Erase The Feeling**

**Chapter 2:**

It is square and white, resting in my hand with a weight and density exactly as one would expect. It looks and feels identical to any common rubber eraser school children would use to correct a mindless mistake. The only unique feature is the solid black covering encompassing roughly 3/4th.

One corner is slightly rounded, as though it has been used once before.

I understand it's purpose before Ryuk utters a single word of explanation.

"That's a death eraser," he says vaguely. "I wasn't planning on giving it to you—didn't think you'd have any use for it anyway—but… hyuk, hyuk, hyuk, that Matsuda guy's little story made me think you may find a use for that thing after all."

I don't waste a moment considering the possibilities before I start asking questions.

"If I erase a name written in the Death Note with this eraser then that person will come back to life?"

"It's just like you to figure it out so quickly. Yup, that's exactly what it does."

I curl my hand around this new tool, so ripe with possibility, and my fingers find the dull corner.

"It's been used before."

"Yeah," Ryuk replies, looking amused. "Just once, a few years ago, by a kid who was almost as interesting as you."

"Who?" I ask, though I doubt that he will tell me so easily. Ryuk only explains things on a need-to-know basis. My prediction is proven correct when he replies with,

"Can't say, but I will tell you that he's still alive. Doesn't have any memories of the Notebook though."

This does undoubtedly peak my curiosity, I have surmise that Ryuk will not reveal anymore about whoever the former owner of this eraser is. Time to move on.

The object I hold in my hand has opened many doors for me. And yet, all I can think about is the very reason Ryuk chose to give it to me in the first place—L.

As soon as I think a question Ryuk is answering it for me.

"There are rules, like you probably guessed. And a time limit."

"Which is?"

"Forty hours. If you don't erase the name within forty hours of the name being written, no matter if the body is still useable, it won't have any effect. And the death must be caused by the Death Note. You can't bring someone back who died any other way."

Forty hours. So far it's only been about 24 hours, no, it's been nearly _exactly_ 24 hours. I still have time, if I can just—_No_! No, Light, do not get ahead of yourself. There are still many more things to consider. Stay focused. Ignore the beating of your heart and the racing you feel in your veins. You are Light Yagami. _You are Kira_! And you are in control.

"Can someone be killed again once they've been brought back by the eraser?"

"Yeah, the eraser works a total of three times per human. You can kill someone as many times as you want but you can only bring them back with this eraser three times."

"Do all the same rules apply for the eraser as the Notebook?"

"As far as I know, yeah," Ryuk said with a shrug. "But no one's ever tested it the way you tested the Notebook."

I nod, wondering if I should test it before—

…

What am I doing? I cannot lie to myself or deny that everything I have planned and thought since receiving this eraser has been driven by the idea that I can use it to bring L back from the dead.

And this very idea, the notion of it is _ridiculous_. I just managed to kill him not 24 hours ago, and yet I am already so completely prepared and willing to make all that effort and sacrifice completely pointless by using this eraser to bring him back. And for what? For what reason could I defend this action to myself?

To have more time to gloat? Yes, I admit that would be nice. But no, that's not enough to be willing to put myself at this great of a risk. To have him join me? As if he would, the prideful fool!

That I am even considering this astounds me. I should return the eraser to Ryuk and forget it's very existence.

…But I can't do that.

Not now. Not after Matsuda's confession. Not now, when everything is so very, very different than it was only 24 hours prior. I am in power now. It is clear to me that I will be chosen as the new leader of the Kira Taskforce. I will be the _new_ L, with all of his powers and trust under my control. Today is the very dawn of my new world, the new world I dreamt of upon accepting the Death Note as my rightful tool. If L were to come back now, without any resources or Watari to assist him, without a single possession to his name—_everything_ would be different.

Suddenly the door of the hotel room bursts open and Misa throws herself inside.

"Liiiiight! Why can't we share a room just for tonight? I hate being away from you after all that time L kept us apart!"

Every time Misa opens her mouth I get this unwelcome feeling of regret and longing for L's company. At least he was intelligent.

And interesting. And almost _fascinating_ some times…

I know I need Misa, but I wish I didn't. About six different ways to dispose of her occur to me daily, but as soon as she flashes me those irreplaceably useful eyes of hers and swears eternal loyalty my better judgment reminds me why I need to keep her around.

"I need to be alone tonight, Misa," I tell her, carefully closing my hand around the eraser and slipping it into my pocket. The less she knows the better—as always.

"Our victory over L has opened many doors, and the possibilities are endless, but we can't become complacent. I have a lot of decisions to make, Misa, and tonight is the time to make them."

She looks ready to argue and I don't have either the time or patience to deal with her any longer. There are things I must decide and time is slowly running out.

I gently hold her arms and pull her closer to me; the dazed look in her eyes makes me want to hurl, but I muscle through. I will have to get used to her craving for affection if I want to keep her loyalty.

"One night is nothing, Misa. Now that L is gone we have all of our lives to be together—together in our perfect world."

"Oh, _Light_," she purrs, eyes glistening and lips pursed for a kiss. I concede to one and she pulls away, once again her cheerful, obnoxious self. I feel my annoyance ebb away as she makes her way towards the door.

"Okay, Light. Misa will do as she's told and leave you alone for tonight. I'll just have to make up for it later!"

She winks and opens the hotel room door.

"Come on, Ryuk. Light needs to be alone to do some planning."

I glance at Ryuk as he silently follows Misa into the hallway, his expression and posture revealing nothing. He bothers Misa for an apple and she teases him about getting fat. I try not to yell at her to hurry up and close the door when she turns back once more and says,

"Misa thought she heard Matsu blundering around in the hallway earlier. If he comes and bothers you, Light, you just call me and I'll make him go away! Night!"

She blows a kiss and closes the door, sending my thoughts spiraling right back to where they had been before she entered.

L.

The eraser.

I pull it from within my pocket once again, running my thumb along the worn edge, considering the possibilities. After a moment I give in to temptation and retrieve my new Death Note from between the mattress and bedspring, flipping open instantly to the page with L's name.

I stare at it, evaluating Rem's handwriting. I run my fingers over it, feeling the indentation on the paper from the pen pressing down on it, reading it like braille. Everything was so simple moments ago, before Ryuk burdened me with this eraser.

Before Matsuda confessed L's secret.

The burning underneath my skin started again when I thought about it, thought about all that time, _all that time_ we were handcuffed together, breathing the same air, sharing the same space, sleeping in the same bed…

How different it must have been for L than I always thought. I knew he had to hate it, being attached to me 24/7. Me, his prime Kira suspect. I always sort of assumed, in my non-Kira state of mind that L wasn't fond of close quarters anyway, much less close quarter with someone like me. But now I see it through new eyes; enlightened.

How he must have suffered! Never able to leave the side of the person he desired, yet unable to act upon this desire. He must have known what a great weakness it was, his attraction to me. He must have hated the very thought of it—hated _himself_, his betraying body.

Things began coming clearer, making more sense. The small flinches every time I touched him; before I simply thought they were due to his distaste for physical contact, but now I know differently. I was torturing him without even knowing it! I changed in front of him countless times. I thought nothing of it, but perhaps I was alone that way.

There was always this heavy kind of current running between us. We were always just on the edge of something, something I never could quite put my finger on. When he caught my eye I sometimes found it hard to look away, and even when I did there was that pulsing underneath my skin—just as it is now!

My fingers were still tracing their way over the ink of his name, but they were shaking, my hands were shaking as the current of my pulse sped faster and faster. The plans began forming in my mind before I could be bothered to stop them and I was standing and walking towards the door, body running on the current alone, hand clenched tight around the eraser.

I was going to do it.

The reasons were many and all selfish. Part of me cautioned, describing the ways it could all go wrong, outweighing the positives with negatives.

_You've already won! Why make life more complicated than it already is?_

Because I _want _him. No matter the consequences, the opportunity I have been given is one I cannot bring myself to give up. So many possibilities, so many ideas that send my heart rocketing through my chest. It is a familiar feeling, one I associated with L long before I knew of his weakness for me.

Adrenaline. Excitement. That is what courses through my blood and body when I think of L. He was my first real opponent. Where he was, there was _risk_. No one else could have had a chance of ever defeating me.

For so long I had lived my life without risk. Finding the Death Note was my first true breath of life—L was my second.

I didn't want to give that up.

I won't.

I am standing before Misa's hotel room door, trying to keep my shaking to a minimum. I knock and she opens, obviously surprised to see me. She recovers quickly, shading her eyes and offering her bed for me to sleep in. I smile, though not for the reason she interprets.

"Misa, I have just thought of a job for you. Will you do something for me?"

"For you, Light? Misa will do anything!"

"I need you to find us a house."

Her eyes bulge wide.

"A house?" She asked in awe. "For both of us?"

I smile and nod and she squeals like a child, jumping up and down in the doorway.

"We're going to live together! I'm going to get to live together with Light! Yay!"

"Misa, I need you to find a suitable house as soon as you possibly can, and I have just one requirement."

"Anything, Light, anything!" She replies, nodding vigorously. I pause and my hand finds the eraser in my pocket again, running against the rubber tool, reminding myself what has to be done if I am to succeed.

"There must be a basement, or a cellar in our house, okay Misa?"

"Of course, Light! Misa will start searching right away!"

She doesn't question me. Sometimes her stupidity and blind trust can be useful. She gives me a quick, short hug, then rushes over to her computer. I close her door and move on to my next task.

L's body is in the hotel; already inside his casket and ready to be buried tomorrow morning. My father made this decision himself when no contacts could be found for anyone else who might claim L's body. _It will be so simple!_

The casket is being held in the hotel room directly beside my father's, a few floors below. I make my way down, hands still trembling as I hold the eraser in one hand and the handle of a large piece of luggage in the other. _It is so easy I wonder if I might just be dreaming it!_

We were all given keys to L's room. The funeral will be short, and my father wanted everyone to be able to say goodbye to L if they wanted before he is laid to rest. I don't think anyone else will be there, the buzzing under my skin and the shaking in my hands is making my sense dull, and when I open the door I find that I was mistaken.

Matsuda is there, sobbing again and seemingly even drunker than before. As soon as he hears the door open he turns to me with those wide eyes and I freeze.

"Light!" He exclaims, and I don't panic. My heart beeps fast but I do not panic. Matsuda is drunk. Things are still going as planned. Things are still easy, and_ I can do this. _

"Matsuda, I—" I pause, looking uncomfortable. "I didn't think anyone would be in here. I… after what you told me earlier I wanted… I wanted to come visit with him."

"Oh, Light, of course! I—of course! I'm sorry. I was just, I was apologiz—but no, please, I already visited tonight. It's your turn. You deserve it more than me. I—I need to go to sleep now. I can leave, now, if—"

"Yes," I reply quickly. "Please, Matsuda, if you could. I was hoping to have some time with him alone."

Matsuda leaves, and now I am in the clear. I don't doubt that he will forget almost all of what happened tonight by tomorrow morning, and even if he remembers he is likely to keep it quiet, for both L's and my sake.

I close the door after he leaves, and my heart has reached a crescendo pace as I near the casket. It is closed, and the one flaw in my plan flares it's ugly head to me. If someone were to look in the casket tomorrow they would know—they would wonder where L's body had gone.

I have no plan for this. There is no way of knowing if someone will look inside before he is laid in the ground tomorrow or not. Perhaps I can have it be me who looks, but there is no guarantee. I pause, and take a moment to doubt again. Just as the reasons to stop and turn back begin to pile I up I close my eyes and grip the eraser tight in my fist. Without another thought I lift the casket lid and look down at L's peaceful face, no paler than he was in life, the only oddity I find is his eyes; closed, as I could never recall seeing them in life.

My heart catches in my throat, hundreds of emotions well up inside me—though the greatest by far is joy. Joy, the same as I felt when he was dying in my arms. My fingers shake as I reach out to brush the raven hair from his face. It bristles against my skin, one of L's physical traits that reveal his not full-Japanese background. I wonder what other races run through his blood. He never said…

But of course he never said. Not to me, anyway, prime Kira suspect. It would surely reveal too much. Watari knew, maybe. Someone must have known. Someone he trusted. It didn't matter, in the end, how little of him I knew. I killed him nonetheless.

His hair, though not smooth and silky like I'm familiar with, is pleasant to the touch. I bury my hand in it, cupping the side of his head gently. It moves where I tilt it and a surge of pleasure pulses through me. I have such power over him, _and I could have more_. My heart is beating fast enough for the both of us.

Vaguely, I can recall feigning sleep when we were handcuffed, staying up with him by my side, mulling over in my Kira-free mind questions I wanted to ask him. I had so many questions. Things I knew he wouldn't answer, or knew he would only suspect me more if I asked. Things about him, and sometimes things that had nothing to do with him at all. Big questions, the kind that leave a mind like mine in endless turmoil. I always thought maybe he was the same. A brilliant mind like his; maybe he had questions about things the same as I. Maybe he was just waiting, as I was, for someone to come along who might actually have a hope of answering those very questions.

I would lie in the bed, pondering his hypothetical replies, scripting the possible conversations that would follow and the many further questions that would surely spring from the first. Sometimes I would open my mouth, maybe to ask just one, then I would shut it and continue pretending to sleep. I bet he knew I was faking. I wonder if he was curious all those times. I wonder if he knew.

When my memories returned those questions seemed to hold much less importance. I already had the answers to every question that was necessary in _my_ world, and I knew L's answers to those same questions already; I didn't need to ask to know he disagreed with me. Still… sometimes I wonder.

And if I do this, I think, gripping the eraser tight, dragging my thumb across his pallid cheek, I _could_ ask those questions—and he would have no choice but to answer me!

Carefully, I lift his body from the case. Imaging that he is simply sleeping keeps me from feeling ill at the thought of his lifeless body. It is a complex emotion; joy at someone's death, but fear of death all the same.

I, of course, cannot let a soul see me taking his body, so I place it carefully inside the luggage to take it upstairs. I try not to think too hard about what I'm doing, but the guilt creeps in anyway. Everything I've done up until now has seemed justified, at least by my own logic. But this, this is _selfish_. I know that, and yet I still close the casket, and make my way back up to my hotel room.

The first step of my plan has succeeded, and hopefully Misa is working on the other important part as I go about setting up more and more precautions around what I'm about to do. I continue gripping the eraser in my hand. A constant argument streams in my mind—I block it out, focusing on the task at hand.

It is almost as though Kira and Light are arguing. Kira is angry at Light for being so weak, so selfish to risk everything on a whimsical desire to bring L back to life. He pours over all the wrongs done to me by L, all the setbacks I had to suffer at the detective's hands.

Light argues back just as fiercely, appealing to Kira's more sadistic nature. Imagine the _power_ I would have over L. Complete control. He mentions Matsuda, and takes note of the deceptive racing of my heart. The plans that have only begun to form, the thought of L open and vulnerable and all _mine_.

And both sides of me are valid, but I know who will win this. I knew from the moment I received the eraser. Temptation is too powerful for either Light or Kira—we are both weak to his alluring appeal.

We will bring L back to life, and face any consequences—or rewards—that come.

* * *

><p>My blood churns and stomach turns all throughout the funeral. Surely someone will notice the weight of the casket. They will open it and see black satin and no body. There will be panic and searches and accusations and nothing I might say or do will have any influence. Everything I have worked for will amount to nothing and I will be ruined, or at the very least forced to murder anyone who suspects me. Panic swells in my chest like something I've never known, worse even than that I felt after my first conscious murder. This is the end for me; the casket is nearby, Mogi approaches, my father behind him.<p>

And yet, fate must be on my side for neither of them can bring themselves to open it, to even peek inside. Matsuda sobs and the other bow their heads in more refined misery. I follow suit, listening to the pounding of my heart in my own ears.

The hours have ticked on and on since I stole his body from that ornate box. 40 hours is my time limit and it is passing quickly. Every moment is another to rethink and question and doubt my decision, but as my pulse drums in my body I am sure.

Perhaps in another life, in another time where I was not given the eraser, L's funeral would be a triumphant event. I might struggle from smiling as the other wept, and then proudly boast my victory over his grave.

But in this world all I can think about is my chance to boast to the man himself. To lord my victory over not his dead body, but his live one as he sits helpless to my power. To ask his opinion of my victory, to gloat and force him to praise me, to worship me as his new god.

My hands shake at the very thought, mind racing back up to my hotel room where his body lies beside the book that killed him. I fold my hands into my pockets, both to hide the shaking and to caress gently the eraser I keep safely on my person until I can use it for it's intended purpose.

Time, time too much time I have wasted at this pointless funeral, pretending to be sad. Finally it is almost done. The others offer me solace but I ask to be alone, retreating to the hotel as fast as I can. 36, almost 37 I count in my mind. Thank god his funeral was in the morning.

"Light!" Misa calls from the opposite side of the hotel lobby. For once I am glad to see her as she runs over and demands a hug.

"I found a house, Light!"

"You did?" I ask, almost impressed with her speed and tenacity in completing the task. She grins and clutches my hands in hers.

"It's _perfect, _I promise! It has everything you needed, though Misa knows you will want to see it for yourself. I can take you now if you—"

"No!" I snap, glancing at the lobby clock and taking a sharp breath. "No, I do want to see it, Misa, but not now. I have business I must attend to. After I do I would like to visit the house right away, understand?"

"Yes, Light. Misa understands."

With that she grins and purses her lips, hurrying to the exit without a fuss, Ryuk gloating along glumly beside her. Sometimes she does understand when I need my privacy. As dull as she is she understands that much.

The elevator ride back to my floor seems to take hours, the hotel door looks as if it glows bright red, telling all who would walk by of my treachery. The inside of the room is exactly as I left it, and I block every thought out as I begin my careful preparations.

His head rests delicately on the pillows, tilting his body to look as though he is almost sleeping. It reminds me vaguely of one of the western fairytales with the sleeping princess who cannot awake until given a kiss from her true love. It's a grotesquely idiotic moral to impart on children, but the imagery is similar, and my eyes linger on his pale lips for a fraction of a second before I glance at the clock again and grab the deathnote from beneath the bed, pulling the eraser slowly from my pocket.

I kneel beside his body on the bed, turning until I find the page with his name. I still find myself vexed by his name; L of all things. I swallow, eyeing the pen sitting on the bedside table, sure in the knowledge that I can still change my mind if things go awry. With that thought I erase quickly and messily, not even looking at the page until finally holding my breath and glancing down to see the whole name gone, vanished like it had never been written. I swallow and stare at my watch, counting the seconds as I've done so many times before. It seems impossibly strange to be hoping for the opposite result this time.

_37_

_38_

_39_

_40_

Exactly in time, L's dark eyes spring open and he sits up, gasping in air like he's been without it for _days_. His chest heaves and I can only stare at him for a moment, my pulse trilling with success and something else that I still cannot name. I drop the notebook, and that's when he notices me, eyes flicking my way long enough to widen almost unperceptively, and I can see the way his mouth twitches, and he's about to scream my name, I can read it on his lips before he even makes a sound, the shark cry of _KIRA_ that he must not voice.

I had predicted this outcome. That upon seeing me he would scream the name that must have been on his lips the moment he died, and I had planned on forcing my hand over his mouth to keep him silent, but in the moment it takes for him to regain his voice, for him to stare at me with those black eyes that I have spent so much time thinking about, my body acts without my control.

Instead of clapping a hand over his mouth, I lean down and press my lips to his. His cry dies in his throat and morphs into a soft whine that's filtered into my mouth for the smallest of seconds before the needle I had prepared manages to find his skin and sink in. My mouth remains pressed firmly to his until he fades, goes under and falls back onto the pillow, asleep—but alive.

My mind and my heart are racing as I'm still bent over his body, eyes lingering where his lips are probably still warm from mine. I reach up a shaking hand and touch my own mouth, almost confused at my own actions.

He didn't taste like death, or anything like I imagined he would, like a decaying body that'd been crumbling for over a day already. He tasted sweet, and my fingers are shaking because in this moment I realize that this was the first time I had ever kissed anyone _just because I wanted to._

* * *

><p><strong>Told you I was gonna continue! Hopefully the next chapter will come sooner. I've given up trying to make the chapters long. They're just gonna be short and I'll have to come to terms with it. Reviews are very appreciated!<strong>

**KeikoPanda102**


End file.
